It was a hot day and as I left Cincinnati I was looking forward to traveling north to hash in Dayton where it would at least be a couple degrees cooler. It wasn’t until I was half way there that I realized this was a Sin City Hash Weekend. As luck would have it the Sin City Hash started halfway to Dayton so I just took the next exit off I 71 found an abandoned Kroger’s and waited. The first hashers to show up were the hares Gourmet and Aching Ass. I got mixed signals as to what the trail would be like from their apparel. Gourmet looked like he was going to Prom and AA looked like he was going on leg shredding safari. I suspected it was the latter and was convinced of it when TNT showed up. The Hash was a 4:00 start time so the pack had to kill time until 4:27 when the hares would be off. Y=Pi broke out the softball equipment from her trunk and the Halfminds started to toss a bit. Now I know what it would look like if the Grateful Dead or The Village People ever started a softball team. Curdled Cum showed his "adapt and overcome" skills when Y gave him a tiny left handed glove. Seaman showed her impressive softball skills and was reminded of the time an impromptu game of field hockey broke out while she was waiting for Lilith Fair to start. Don’t worry Seaman, if the Navy doesn’t ask we wont tell. Hot Tub tried to get an actual game started but his interest fizzled when no one would go for his shirts vs skins idea.
Senator Craig (formerly known as I’m Not Gay) opened the circle wearing the hat he wears in airport bathrooms. He says he keeps toilet paper in it so he doesn’t have to reach into the next stall to find some. The visitors* listened intensely as AA and Gourmet described the trail markings to the virgin. As always the ten minute block of instructions could have been shortened to "Just don’t follow Slut". The hares took Y= Pi hostage to ensure that no one in the pack would be familiar with the area. Soon the hares were away and it was time to loosen up for the long, shiggy filled, up hill, both ways trail. Serving Seaman and John Wayne Hobbit volunteered to lead the pack in Father Abraham but it ended up looking more like an Esther Williams/Busby Birkley production number. . http://www.ifilm.com/video/2744715?cmpnid=753&pt=sr&refsite=7063. After a brief legal disclaimer the pack was away. As expected the trail made a bee line to the high shiggy. On the way Happy Endings found some drywall to mark trail with. Judging by the size of the piece and the amount of time she spends at the front of the pack her biggest decision will be which one of her kids gets it in her will. So into the shiggy we trounced each hasher trying to follow directly behind the one in front of them hoping to avoid sticker bushes, thistles and nettles. I guess it wasn’t all that bad. Every once and a while there were areas without leg scrapers, of course those areas were full of poison ivy. It may have been the blood loss but about two miles into the shiggy I could have sworn I heard the hares laughing and saying "We was born here in dis here briar patch. zipadeedoodah F you!!!" I think I saw Uncle Remus too. After mile three the shiggy gave way to an open construction site and we were joined by cross country hasher_____ and her dog Buddy. As extra incentive to turn around and declare the hares the winner there was a nasty, rusty fence that needed to be crossed. The barbed wire made it just that much more fun. One of the visitors needed some help getting over and Michael Vick, I mean Big M Little Organ was glad to oblige. Then it was another couple of miles in the shiggy to the first beer near where it was Miller Light and Tetnis shots all around. There was no sign of Slut but Happy Endings was there and she still had her dry wall. Here is a shocker we went through more shiggy until we came upon another fence with some more barbed wire. Fat drunk and stupid vaulted across like a Russian Gymnast. Being a gymnastics judge in real life Booty call only gave him a 6.9 then demonstrated the proper technique. Mystic showed how a hasher with almost 300 hashes does it followed by Stinky who showed us how a hasher with almost 300 hairs (piss off I spelled it right) does it. Next TNT crossed it but not before she rode it for 8 seconds YEEHAA!! If you are wondering Happy still had the drywall. A couple more miles and some private property later we reached a creek crossing to the next BN. Big M decided that Fumunda, Stinky and Hyper Hand Job were just going to drink all the beer so he stole the bridge just as they got to the creek. Faming Pickle Licker used the break to make out with an out of town hasher and Happy just guarded her dry wall and took pictures of suspicious activities. Out of the BN we followed trail up the steps and along Michael J Fox Highway until the FRBs called out YBF. Discouraged by this turn of events FDS tried to auto hash back to the check. He didn’t have much luck until Stinky showed him how to get truckers to stop. We didn’t see either of them again until circle. Trail went along for a while through some thick bend over brush (yep she still had it) and through a creek bed. Sure there was a road that ran parallel to the creek only 15 feet away but where is the fun in that. There was a nice graffiti covered tunnel and then more ankle snapping creek bed. At one point we skirted some private property while in the creek and were greeted by what appeared to be a Skinhead. He was very upset as we had interrupted him while he was watching his Jerry Springer Uncensored/Too Hot For TV Complete Third Season DVD set. He said we were trespassing and I think he wanted to call the police but they might ask him about the two hundred or so pot plants growing in his garage so he just went back inside. Along the creek for another mile until it got deep. Most hashers went up and around but TNT and Son of a Nun decided to take the direct route. "Hey were the hell is Happy and her drywall?" you ask. Well it beats a banana!! We finally made it to the third beer near. Got some carbs in us and headed for the on in. We immediately ran into several monster Back Checks. Including one that was an abandoned road that had been made into a tunnel by trees and bushes. I had a great picture of this but Una the Friendly Ghost got in the way. When we found true trail off the back check we went up a steep hill, through a subdivision, across a park and back in along an unmarked Hyper Hand Job Memorial Straightaway to the on-in. After a brief respite we all headed to Gourmet's for the circle and a grill out.
FDS and were Happy Ending were pulled into duty as Beer Bitches. Golden showers was wrangled to be the song meister and Hyper Hand Job pulled double duty as Sergeant of Arms and corn on the cob chef. Come to think of it Curdled manned the grill for the meat and the host whose name is Gourmet did no cooking at all. That is like Slut not getting naked in a Hot Tub.
The circle went something like this.
The hares drank for a "shiggy" I mean shitty trail
The virgin was determined to be MIA
Son of a Nun (and his alter boy, NILF) Blessed the beer with the Beer Prayer
The MIAs and Late Cummers Drank
The hares drank for taking us too close to a skin heads house
Happy presented a cake to AA, Pickle and TNT for multiple reasons much to pickles displeasure.
Happy immediately added her "dollar store bra" to Wiley and passed him on to FDS for his You Tube "How to eat a banana video". Editors note: I have a great video of Happy de-bra-ing but I'll be damned if I'm gonna get Wiley next hash. So it just goes in the file marked "Happy owes me!!!"
There were a lot more crimes real and imagined but I was standing way to close to the beer table to remember much more of them. AV temporarily closed the circle and promised only one verse of "The Hash Hymn"........He lied!
At the after party/grill out all I remember is lots of corn, meat, cake and beer (also know as the four basic food groups of the hash), and Hot Tub having a fire sale on old Haberdashery stuff. I think our out of towner got 6 shirts, two hats, a mug and Hot Tubs truck for 50 bucks!!!
I'd write more but I have to go work out. Turns out red is not the least bit slimming.
anonymous
*I am pretty sure these two are visitors but they do look vaguely familiar.