What:

Really late reHash (at least it's out before the next Thursday Hash!): SCH4 Hash #45, Hyper Hash.

Where:

Western Hills Shopping Center (as opposed to the Western WOODS Shopping Center, Vommitt Dog).

When:

Thursday 15.May.1997, 18:30. One of the most bitterly cold, windiest Thursdays in recent memory (especially for May!).

Who:

Anal Vice, Patty Mulshine, Teresa Stallbaumer, Big Fucking Ham, Sub Human, Tight Sphincter, Vommitt Dog (I-have-to-leave-after-the-run-so-here's-three-dollars), Organ Grinder, Sranted Screw, and Schlitz Over Tits (I've-been-saving-my-pennies-so-here's- my-five-dollars-in-change). Ten brave souls against the elements. One indignant Hash Cash, "How'm I supposed to count this?! - HEY, this doesn't divide evenly by five!"

Why:

Why NOT?!!

How:

Well, first of all, you get ten Sin City Hashers together in a cold, windy car park on the west side of town. Then you break out a few beers (good home-brewed stuff from BFH) and stand around for awhile getting colder and colder and colder, adding more and more layers of clothing, until eventually the whining becomes unbearable. At that point you load the Hash Stick and, since it's Hyper Hash, furnish the envelope containing nine "On-On" ballots, and one "On-HARE" ballot. Then each individual draws a ballot until Teresa exclaims (with slightly whiny intonation), "BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN THE HARE!!", and you can just see the adrenaline beginning to course! You then quickly explain markings, just in case there's any doubt in the nouveau hare's mind, and send her and the stick off with the promise of a full five minute respite on the pack's behalf.

Next, you do a really shoddy rendition of 'Father Abraham', if for no other reason than to keep warm. And, with that and numerous clothing alterations in preparation of the change from stand-around mode to beat-feet mode, you take off in the direction of the so-recently departed Hare, all the while testing your whistles for functional performance.

After that phase is completed, you find the first check, and begin looking for true trail. Soon, you find trail leading through the Western Woods (so that we can say that Vommitt Dog gave totally shitty erections) Shopping Center car park, and on-across Glenway Avenue. You soon end up in a residential neighborhood, and don't have a clue where you are, so you cannot even begin to recite street names in the reHash. You and several others comment, though, what a helluva job this Hare is doing, this being her virgin lay, and all... Then Patty comments, "Oh, she knows this side of town REALLY well.", and you realize you've been snookered.

Having lost scent of the Hare and trail (not to mention Schlitz) for a good fifteen minutes, you eventually find yourself running through some poor soul's back yard, and climbing their fence because you can see trail on the other side; you hope to be outta there before you have to ask forgiveness. You then descend a briar-covered hill into the car park of yet another shopping center to find the original Hare hiding herself behind a semi trailer, and note a distinct lack of Hash Stick. "Oh, that guy caught me at least ten minutes ago", she explains. You then figure that "that guy" is Schlitz, since you haven't seen him in seemingly hours, and wonder if the term "that guy" is as criminal as use of a MGN... Thinking about it with your half-mind, you decide, "nah".

You then have to run like hell to catch up with Vommitt Dog, who blew through the car park ahead of the pack, and still thinks he's chasing Teresa. With that accomplished, you split up and begin Schlitz-sniffing (!) tactics. Trail through an under- construction shopping center? You bet! Encounter with the security guard? You bet! Handy port-o-lets? Yup, those too! You soon find the pack spread far and wide around the intersections of Glenway Avenue, Boudinot Avenue, and Crookshank Road.

Next, especially if you're Anal Vice, you'll want to discover trail leading into a thicket behind a row of fourplexes, and loudly blow you whistle to indicate "ON-ON", so that you're accosted by the landlord/caretaker - a man with many physical similarities to Jabba the Hut who wants to know what the hell you're doing on his private property. So, you stop and take the time to explain to him (in very friendly terms) the hare-and-hound game, and he actually turns out to be a pretty nice guy, "Hey, that really sounds like fun," (you then bet to yourself that he will NOT join you for the remainder of the run), "but almost all the people who live here are elderly, so at least be quiet - and if you cut through my driveway, please do it only once!" You then respond affirmatively, and lend many assurances that he'll never see you again (especially if you see him first - which is certainly the likely case).

Now you return to the aforementioned intersection to find most of the pack lollygagging about in order to give Organ Grinder his obligatory two minute HEAD start... seems that in your absence, Schlitz's attempt at a Circle Jerk had turned into a snare as he approached the end of it. Note to self: don't try to lay a Circle Jerk during Hyper Hash.

You then wait another 30 seconds or so, then wander aimlessly about trying to find Organ's trail, with Schlitz noting, "He's almost out of flour", which explains the distinct lack of clues. With minor variations on the theme, you now find trail leading in the specific direction of the start at Western Woods (no, HILLS) Shopping Center. With trail's end in sight, you then quicken the pace so that the pack is well-straggled. Then upon returning to the cars, you find the final Hare, Organ Grinder, along with BFH, who habitually of late becomes hopelessly lost on trail, and has held true to his habit this evening. (You make a mental note to be sure that he is no longer allowed to communicate with Dayton Hashers No Balls and Fud Mucker.) Now, you grab a beer, and wait for the remainder of the pack to reassemble.

Once the entirety of the pack is present, you unanimously decide that it's too fucking cold to assemble the Circle in the out-of-doors, and agree on a bar for that function, as well as for the Apres. Teresa and Vommitt then provide vague and divergent erections regarding how to get from where you are to where you want to be, but Teresa says, "Don't worry, just follow me!" - which we do, as she takes a route completely different than any of the erections that had just been recited!

Of course, this attempt to caravan to the predetermined bar-of-choice fails miserably. When you arrive at the first really busy, unsignaled intersection where you are required to make a left turn, you, Tight Sphincter, and Sranted Screw incurably lose the lead cars, and end up nearly in Indiana, following Bridgetown Road. The three of you then do several auto-regroups, and try, to some extent, all directions from the Glenway, Bridgetown, Race intersection - but never go far enough north on Race to find the others' cars and the bar in question. You finally decide to punt, and HEAD to LaRoach's for dinner and a couple beers, especially since Hash Cash is among the lost souls. (May be we were the only ones "on", and the rest of the wanks were truly the "lost".)

As a final item, you decide, necessarily, to postpone Circle business until "Next Time" (who'll soon be Hashing in Sin City, by the way), and mentally note the following items for the agenda:

1. Here's to the Hares... Teresa, Schlitz Over Tits, and Organ Grinder.

b. Various and sundry crimes, especially as regard

. Shopping Center confusion / erection problems (Vommitt Dog).

. Apres confusion / erection problems (Vommitt Dog, Teresa, Sub Human (for being the last to follow successfully, thereby being responsible for keeping track of the rest of us)).

. Pecuniary issues (Vommitt Dog, Schlitz Over Tits).

iii. Analversaries: Organ Grinder's #15 (commemorated at Hash #46),

Patty's #5, and Teresa's #5.

D. Potential namings?

And that is HOW you do a Hyper Hash.

ON-ON and ON-OUT!
Anal Vice
On-Sec SCH4