Happy ANALversary…Happy ANALversary…..Happy ANALversary…HEY ANAL VICE!!! HAAAAAAPY ANALversary!!

8 years of chalk talk…
8 years of singing ridiculous songs…..
8 years of running in shoes that are old and worn out and have probably contributed to more than a few of your "running" injuries…
8 years of having a large percentage of the people you know call you "Anal", or "Anal Vice", or just A.V, partly because they don't know your MGN….then trying to explain it to non-hashers who look at you funny-like when they hear it….
8 years of P.I., nettles, stickers, creeks, climbing fences, hiding beer, being yelled at by people whose private property you dared set foot on….
8 years of slurrage…

Anal Vice
Beat It
Dah Gimp
Do You Feel Peter
Eats It Raw
Fourgasm
Fucking Nothing
Gas Hole
Gourmet
Hot Tub Slut
Hot Wax Me Officer
Kunt Hunt
Little Boy Blue Balls
Long Dong Silver
Mystic Blow
Neon Knockers
On Her Knees
Organ Grinder
Pubic Offender
Pubic Zirconia
Scum Sucking Fecal Feeliac
Special Blow
Stinky Winkie
Suck This
The Unalicker
Tight Sphincter
Titty Puppet
Vommitt Dog
Wile E. Coyote

I'm not sure why AV decided to make Vommitt Dog a last minute co-hare. Maybe he's afraid of thunder and didn't want to run it alone, or maybe it's just that special bond between AV & Vommit. Who knows – who cares. But they skipped off together and now, let's hear from some of the hashers who tried to follow trail and then finish up with Vommitt's vague remembrance of trail (understandable since he was roped into haring at the last minute and probably had no idea where he was going and probably remembers even less)…. and then AV's very anal remembrance of trail:

I'll save the hasher's name till the end of their rehash of trail and see if you can figure out who wrote it before you get to their name – NO CHEATING –

"At the stroke of 10 minutes, Blue Balls, Fecal, Long Dong Silver and I headed east, towards the Clay Wade Bailey bridge, thinking/hoping the hare and his assistant Vommitt might be taking us to Kentucky.  That wasn't the case, so we began running up Central Avenue north, working our way east to Elm, still no marks. We could hear the pack's whistles off to the west and occasionally see someone running in a northerly direction.  I got as far north as the Parkway, then ran by Beat It's condo in case AV had come by there as he did last year.  Again no luck.  I then ran to Ezzard Charles Drive, saw a check at Western Avenue, checked south to no avail, then north to a BC at Berman Printing, then ran around back and found the pack finishing the Beer Near.

Grabbed a beer, the pack took off under CUT on Dalton, heading southerly thru the business parking lots and toward the tracks. Gimp and I ran by the auxiliary jail, paralleling the tracks.  We got down to Mehring Way and a check, Gimp went east towards Longworth Hall, I checked into Hatfield Coal, then deduced that true trail went east along the tracks and told Do You Feel Peter to go that way, which he did.  I ran along Mehring Way to Longworth Hall and On-In.  Peter followed true trail thru the knee-high water on the tracks, Gimp ran along Mehring Way towards Paul Brown Stadium and then circled back.  One-by-one the pack stumbled in.

As FRB I was only on trail 55 minutes, running true trail half of the way and paralleling it the rest of the time. Peter got The Crutch because he made AV feel good by staying on trail thru the water. The fool. In the hash, as in life, no good deed ever goes unpunished.

HTS - (Note: I'll bet that one was really hard to figure out!!!)

Alright, here's what I remember.

1. Incredibly balmy weather, unusually pleasant even for Sin City. The number of people wearing thongs was one clue as to the wonderful conditions.

2. Elephant photo check. Why? Beats the hell outta me other than the hares were desperate for a way to slow down the pack.

3. So we pose for some dumb-ass reason in front of elephants of the non-pink variety, and then 10 minutes later are running past the local Rehab place, and there's no photo check. What were the hares thinking (or not)?

4. Boring BN between two warehouses, instead of the incredibly seedy bar just up the road that we visited during the first Flying Pigs hash.  Incredible oversight on the hares part, although at least we didn't have to worry about contracting any diseases or getting shot in the dumpy bar we failed to brighten with our presence.

5. On Her Knees lives up to her name by wrecking her ankle. I mostly escort her on-in and then carry her to her car. This is also an excuse to . . . well, think about it.

6. Head First seemed oddly civilized from past visits. Hell, the underwear is missing from the ceiling!

7. In the circle, I notice that AV has more flour on himself than I ever saw on trail.

8. Gas Hole reading from the hash song book. Ain't he supposed to have this stuff memorized? And how cum other people (like Neon) had to drink becuz they asked that same question? (Scribe's Note: YEAH!!!)

9. Nobody, including Stinky, paying any attention when he's reading off anal-versary names and mine gets mumbled for 138. I'm not listening (hey, big surprise) and apparently nobody else is either. I end up accidentally escaping my down-down, later mention it to Stinky, and well, he'll probably have to join me the next time around in the circle.

on on
Gourmet

One thing that stuck out...T.S. said to me at the first beer near that I was on my best gimp behavior and she was amazed that I was staying on trail.  I told her that I played indoor soccer the previous night at 11 pm and orienteered that morning in Sin City running up and down steep hills for 70 minutes in snow and cold rain.  My legs were dead...not enough strength for gimp ranging.  The beer must of helped because after the BN I was back to my old self.  AV was surprised that I arrived at the on-in in the opposite direction.  He said I had to go back around and wade in the deep water...not!

Anal and I laid bright hash marks in downtown SinCity.
It stopped raining just as we departed the pack.
We had our BIG PACKAGES swinging between our legs.
We did not get caught. We laid hash on animal
carcasses, through the rail yards, over bridges, under
bridges, and through knee deep, clean Mill Creek
overflow H2O!

oN-oN--->-->->
VD

. On-Out of Longworth Hall car park, north on Gest.
. Check at Gest/3rd/Linn intersection, trail forward, false other erections.
. Check (PC) at W 5th (by mastedons, mammoths, whaddever they are), trail forward, false on W 5th.
. Check at W 6th, trail forward, false on W 6th.
. BC on ramp from W 8th to Gest, trail crosses 6th Street viaduct east toward downtown.
. BC at Central, trail behind EDS building (soggy soggy soggy).
. Check at 9th and Mound, trail through city parking lot, false north on Mound.
. Check at end of parking lot adjacent to small 'hood park at S end of Cutter.
. YBF along edge of park paralleling Cutter, trail follows edge of park along I-75.
. Check at Court and Linn, false S on Linn and W on Court, trail N on Linn.
. Check at (unknown street) between Turnbow and Ezzard Charles.
. False left and right (inta da 'hood), true forward on Linn.
. Check at Linn and Ezzard Charles, false N and E, trail W on Ezzard Charles.
. Check at Winchell, no false (apparently this'n took a while to solve?!) , true forward to check (PC) at Western in front of Union Terminal.
. False S on Western, trail N on Western.
. BC at second driveway north of Kenner, trail into first driveway (site of a former Flying Pig Hash meeting).
. Curve left into Denman to BN (much rejoicing!) along side of warehouse(?) or bidnis of some sort... somewhat secluded, in any case.
. Hare Arrow On-Out to W on Kenner.
. Check at Dalton, false W along side of Union Terminal, false N on Dalton, trail S on Dalton under Union Terminal plaza.
. Check at Gest, YBF W on Gest, trail S on Dalton.
. Check at W 9th and Dalton, false W on W 9th, trail crossing Dalton to E into driveway behind Ohio Tax place.
. Check at Meadow Gold Lane (site of another former Flying Pig Hash meeting), false in several erections, trail south on Meadow Gold crossing W 8th onto Carr.
. Check at Carr and Dalton, false onto CSX main, false W on Dalton, trail E on Dalton.
. BC beyond Freeman Avenue underpass, trail across Dalton up steps to Freeman.
. Check at top on stairs on Freeman, false N on Freeman, E into parking lot, trail S on Freeman.
. BC near Mehring, trail into maintenance drive leading to ditch track (site of a former Flying Pig Hash BN).
. Down rungs to track level.
. Check on tracks, false N to hobo camp, true S on E side of string of gondolas.  Damn cold ankle+ deep water!
. Follow tracks around curve to E.
. Check at Baymiller crossing.
. False N and S on Baymiller, true forward (E) on tracks.
. Follow through Gest Street underpass.  EFFIN' FOOT-NUMBING COLD shin deep water!!  (Other than the Hares, only Do You Feel Peter ventures through the water, all others backtrack around... wimps!)
. ON-IN (much rejoicing!) into Longworth Hall car park.

True trail = 4.2ish miles, 1.5+ miles (which will be revisited on a future Hash!) eliminated due to the gnarly weather.  (Sorry 'bout the lack of Dah Gimp accuracy.)

After Trail:
After a most enjoyable afternoon at the Aronoff with that very person responsible for my mommy given name, I arrived back downtown just in time to see hashers charging head first into Head First Café. Lucky me!

Circle Up! And let's see how long it takes for Anal Vice to achieve slurrage.

The usual hare crimes: too dry out, not enough shin deep puddles of water, etc., etc., (OK, I didn't have these written down, but come on – it's a given they were something like this)

MIA's:
Tight Sphincter
Special Blow
Long Dong Silver

Unalicker – for the tag she put on the crutch – it was a piece of government property that WE…ALL OF US …helped pay for with every postage increase! Then she tried to lead the way on trail (I heard) and ran toward the post office – too bad it was the wrong way.

Hare Crimes:

BN poorly marked – well, you're in the big city – what would you like? A flashing red whirling light with a pre-recorded message that says over and over "Here's the beer….Here's the beer….Here's the beer…..?

(At this moment, Vommitt points out that Pubic Offender looks like Fonzie (as in The Fonz) in his black leather jacket).

Going through the BN (Oh, this NEVER happens): Gashole, Little Boy Blue Balls, Scum Sucking Fecal Feliac.

Actually being at the BN (again – this NEVER, hardly EVER happens): Da Gimp, Hot Tub Slut.

Unalicker, Sgt. At Arms keeps making false accusations and I'm sure she had to keep drinking for them. SO that makes Mystic wonder "Where In The World Is Pecker Checker?"

Mystic – using TWO MGN's in a row

Pubic Offender – wearing a "M" training group pin on his Fonzie jacket – doesn't he know you don't put a pin through a leather jacket?

ANALversaries:
10 – On Her Knees
15 – Kunt Hunt
35 – Long Dong Silver
95 – Little Boy Blue Balls
105 – Eats It Raw
130 – Tight Sphincter
138 – Gourmet (although he didn't really drink for it)
185 – Da Gimp
235 - Anal Vice

Kunt Hunt – going to be a papa

Vommit Dog – wants to join in for having sex ( well…that's how it's done (I mean the baby thing!) so I guess that's ok)

Do you feel Peter? - name tag (?) I guess he finally got an I.D. tag so he knows who he is now…

Unalicker reads one of her famous limericks for Anal Vice

I, Neon, had nothing better to do with my time this week so I spent it calculating how many years, months, weeks, hours and seconds AV has spent hashing, how many down downs he's done, etc….you get the picture.

I'm sure by now AV had achieved slurrage.

Little boy blue balls gets the beloved Wile for worrying and whining about keeping his shoes dry.

And the circle was ceremoniously closed with a somewhat drunken version of "Swing Lo, Sweet Chariot" which was playing on the jukebox…..but I can't get past the first verse once AV gets into the body motions that go with it - you really DO have to see it to believe it!

And on the way out, much later, the rain had turned to snow….