Hash Run No. 22
HARES: Tight Lips and Anal Vice

It was a typical July evening in Cincinnati. The sun was shining, there was not much of a breeze and the air was fortified with 100% of the USRDA of humidity. This Thursday evening looked like any other at first glance, and innocent shoppers near the Blue Ash Thriftway had no reason to suspect anything was out of the ordinary.

But come about 6:15 or so, all that began to change. Unusual life forms had spontaneously migrated to the northern end of the parking lot. They wore minimal clothing and they carried whistles and chalk. Yet they looked mostly normal at first glance. But to anyone who happend by that area of the parking lot at about 6:30, looks can be deceiving, reality can be a mystery, and tranquility can be but a rumor. Especially when you have entered THE HASH ZONE. [cue music now ....doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo, doo - Ah, screw this - I've got a meeting in an hour and I don't have time to stick to a Twilight Zone theme. So deal with it, will ya.}

This was the night that was originally dubbed to Fred and Rhonda. But because of that unfortunate incident back at Shady O'Grady's, this night belonged to "Anal Vice" and "Tight Lips". This serves as a brief account of their maiden Hare voyage.

One of Cincinnati's more diverse group of Hashers assembled in the Thriftway lot, as we had visitors from Florida, Washington DC, Chicago, and of course, Dayton. [IRISH - IS THIS CORRECT? ANYONE ELSE VISITING THAT NIGHT?] Our two virginal hares made their way out of the Thriftway parking lot, while Hashers continued to arrive.

They made a circuitous route south on Kenwood Road, opting for the more traditional flour markers rather than paint balls. But a late-arriving Hasher - who shall remain anonymous - saw the Hares running on Kenwood Road, and removed any mystery as to where the Hares went after the obligatory 10 minute head start.

But the run quickly settled into good marathon training, as there was little grass, minimal shiggy and mile after mile of mostly pavement. (Irish could be heard cursing at every Hash mark, as he longed to be one with nature in the middle of a thicket.) By the time we saw the beer near, we were sure that it was a mirage.

We assembled at the back deck of Anal Vice's house and proceeded to have a longer than usual break. We had lost our visitors from Florida, as they seemed to be certain that the trail went the other direction. (They never made it to the beer near, but the story had a happy ending as they were there at the end of the run.)

Jim - oops, make that "Shackle My Balls" - gave us a very entertaining account of his recent misadventures with the Cincinnati police officers. (To those of you living under a rock, he started a shortlived yet legendary stint as a Hare using paintballs as the trail marker. Neighbors and police officers did not see the humor, as weapons were drawn, hand cuffs were locked and an arrest was made. SMB's court date was to follow the next week, and I hoped to have a report on the verdict. [IRISH - ANY WORD? FEEL FREE TO INSERT WHAT YOU KNOW.] His attorney's were amused by the story and offered to take the case "on the house".)

We reluctantly departed the comfy confines of Anal Vice's deck and headed forward. The second half of the run was mostly suburban Blue Ash, until we neared the end. Then we entered the woods behind the Blue Ash YMCA, into an area that looked like a scalping area from back in the days of wild Indians and covered wagons. Irish's eyes they were a smiling as we headed into the creek bed. (In reality, it was only a Day Camp nature park area. During the day in the Summer, that same area is teeming with countless kids of all ages, making it even MORE frightening than it appeared in eerie twilight.)

The trail out of the woods led us more or less directly to the On-In. But the sidewalk en route was littered with flour and chalk markings, teasing us with cryptic messages that ended in a question mark. (ie, "Thirsty?", "Beer Near?".) Some would say it was cruel, others unusual. But we endured to our final destination, "Salsas" on Kenwood Road.

The usual routines were done in an orderly fashion, accompanied by a seemingly harmless song or two. Then the songs took a quick left turn from the "tried and true" into the "rude and crude" - much to the delight of the Hashers and the fear of everyone else. The songs were from our visitors, and they added much to our post run fun. Where IS that song book anyway?

Hash crimes were minimal on this evening. Perhaps the only disappointment from this run was that there was no police involvement. This marked the first run in three in which there was not some type of interaction with law enforcement. Other than that, our Hares did a fine job.

Well, that's all for now. Next up: Join Tight Sphincter this Saturday for the "Knee-High Socks Hash". That's July 27, 4:30 pm at main parking lot of French Park in Amberly Village. Enter from Section Road, near Ridge Road intersection.

And now you can get all the latest Hash Happenin's on the Hash Line. Just dial 793-3816 to hear Anal Vice talk faster than you can listen, updating you on the latest Hash activities.

Gotta run - on out.