The uNa LicKer’S 400Th Hash
And
Party GraS CeleBraTion
What’s the difference between Mardi Gras and Party Gras?
For one thing, just like uNa, Party Gras arrives late. In this case, FOUR DAYS late on February 25th.
Number two: Mardi Gras ends after Fat Tuesday but Party Gras starts on Flat Tuesday.
Fat Tuesday is when there are parades and guys give girls beads if they show their bOObs.
Flat Tuesday is when Hot Tub parks his 1956 Chevy truck on the steepest incline going up to Mount Adams. And, if you show him your bOObs, he’ll give you a glass of whatever FLAT, stale beer drips out of the 8,639 or so crushed beer cans thrown in the back (and will still taste better than a can of Beer 30).
Next comes Ash Wednesday. That’s when Catholics walk around with ash crosses on their foreheads. Hash Wednesday is when Hasholics walk around with white hash marks on their foreheads. (Making a grand total of two days a year when Hindus don’t feel self-conscious). And, since it’s uNa’s Hash Wednesday, it too shall be late and occur at the Thursday February 23 hyper. Then comes the real party.
Party Gras 2012
Hares:
I’m Not uNa and Hot Tub Licker
Where:
Fountain Square Downtown Cincinnati near “The Genius of Beer” fountain.
When:
Saturday
February 25th at 4:00 PM. We are making it a late start so if you decide you
want to feed the meter, you’ll only have to pay for an hour ($2). Also, we are
telling uNa it starts at 3:00 so she should be there by quarter after 4.
Why:
It’s The uNaLickers 400th Hash “Celebration.” Whether she actually makes it to 400 by this hash remains to be seen. The odds are 50-50 that she’ll be a week or so late reaching the actual milestone but the good lord willing and the creek don’t rise, and the car don’t break down, and she don’t get lost, and the kid ain’t sick, etc., etc., etc.
What to Wear:
Recycle your Mardi Gras Gear into Party Gras Gear. Or just wear any combination of Purple, Green and Yellow.
What to Bring:
Beads or bOObs, hash cash, the crutch, the Wile E.s, NO virgins (they might assume hashing 400 times makes you talk funny and never come back), your best uNa stories, centurion mugs, whistle, your vast knowledge of downtown Cincinnati hash trails, anything with 400 on it or 400 of anything.
What to expect:
I have no idea yet but I will tell you…
The Things the Hares Gave Up for Lent:
Trail that is too long or too cold for that particular day’s weather. Trails that turn into a pub crawl because some lame ass 50-year-old harriette ran 50 hashes and walked 350 more.
Things They Didn’t Give Up for Lent:
Hills, stairs, bridges, subterranean parking garages, uberterranean parking garages, sidewalks, skywalks, hotel lobbies, gay bars (not that there’s anything wrong with that), porn shops (not that there’s anythi….nevermind Fag Hag said, “No porn shops.”)
Errections from uNa’s House:
Set alarm for 8:00AM. Wake up at 1:00PM. Get ready for hash. Lose keys. Turn house upside down looking for keys. Remember you left them under the car seat. Go to find keys. Notice car is gone. Call fellow hasher sobbing that your car has been stolen. Be reminded that you got so drunk the night before, said hasher had to drive you home. Call police to cancel stolen vehicle report. Call hasher to get ride to car. When hasher arrives, don’t be ready for another 17 minutes. Halfway to your car remember you forgot your mug. Make exasperated hasher turn around; get mug. Get to car. Find keys under seat. Try to start car; won’t start. Call hasher for jump. Get jump. Drive 500 feet. Run out of gas. Call hasher for gas. Get gas. Start car. Drive 400 feet and get a flat tire. Look in trunk for spare tire. Find spare; realize spare is flat. Call hasher for ride. Get in hasher’s car. Drive away. Make hasher turn around to get mug; get mug. Ask hasher to stop at ATM to get hash cash. Arrive at hash at 4:29 p.m. just in time to see “Hares (who got tired of waiting) Away.”
I-75 South: From southbound I-75, take the Fifth Street exit (a left exit). Proceed east on Fifth Street four blocks to Fifth and Vine.
I-71 South: From southbound I-71, take the exit for Downtown/Riverfront/Third Street. Bear right onto Third Street. Turn right at Vine Street and proceed north two blocks to Fifth and Vine.
I-71/I-75 North : From northbound I-75/I-71, follow signs across the river. Take the Fifth Street exit and proceed east four blocks to Fifth and Vine.
I-471: Follow I-471 north over the bridge. Take the Sixth Street exit (6B) toward Downtown. From Sixth, turn left on Walnut Street. Fountain Square is located one block south on Fifth between Walnut and Vine.
Columbia Parkway/River Road (U.S. 50)
- Westbound: Take the exit for Third Street/Downtown/Riverfront. Turn right onto Vine St. Proceed north two blocks to Fifth and Vine.
- Eastbound: Take the Fifth Street exit. Go straight (east) on Fifth St four blocks to Fifth and Vine.
GPS Address: 520 Vine Street, Cincinnati, OH 45202.
Hare Hotline: I’m Not Gay 513-607-8639